Olympians can fix Britain

Great Britain has had a wonderful Olympics, and thus we have found solutions to all of our problems.

Our Government and opposition parties are currently in disarray, but when we have a woman beating up other women with spongy gloves, politics doesn’t matter. If Boris Johnson ever gets into a bust up over Britain’s foreign policy with Angela Merkel, not an entirely hypothetical scenario, we’ll send over Yorkshire’s Nicola Adams to fight our corner. Left hook, right cross, then working the jab, a naughty below the belt shot and then those trade deals will soon sway in Britain’s favour.

Who cares if we have potentially self inflicted an economic melt down by leaving the EU when a bloke who makes Peter Crouch’s robot look smooth runs faster over 5k and 10k than anyone else? Mo Farah’s advertising partnership with McDonald’s will certainly boost the UK’s economy. Every time he celebrates a win it leaves the millions of bemused viewers craving chicken nuggets, some even opt for the classic Big Mac with large fries and a drink.

There’s also been reports of another well known fast food chain trying to hire the services of Katrina Johnson-Thompson, Britain’s up and coming heptathlon star. She’s gained the nickname KJT, but the fast food outlet want her to change her name to Kentucky Fried Chicken apparently. Others have been approached by sponsors such as the Brownie brothers in the triathlon, taekwondo fighter Orangejade Jones and of course Tom Daley Lee Triangle.

And why fear terrorists when we can outrun them on a bike? Granted it’s hard to get away from someone in a velodrome, but I say we send our sprint team to Aleppo for some reconnaissance work. They can jump in a pedalo to cross the channel. Then across Europe and to the middle east, I’ve looked at a map and it’s all downhill. And if anyone can watch their backs, it’s our paranoid Olympic cyclists, oh and owls as well.

So there we have it, our Olympians will undoubtedly solve all our country’s problems.